Friday, June 10, 2011

Running in circles.. where does it lead? Back to square one.

So after hours and days and weeks and months of NOT attempting to have any sort of communication at all with the ex, he drops in on my lap. How? Well via email of course! Oh gmail - I did not like opening up my daily mail and seeing a unread message waiting for me like an animal stalking it's prey.. I wanted to hit the delete button so bad and pretend I didn't see it and make it go away...sigh, but I couldn't. Curiosity totally got the best of me... but it took me one whole day to get the courage to open up the email. Pathetic? Probably.

It went something like this:
"I have been thinking things in general over a lot lately and I think I am done being angry or childish or petty or... you can pick the adjective, I am sure you have more you would like to add to my list. If you would like to be friends again then I am open to that if not I accept that too."
?@#%^*#$!!! .....

I didn't know what to say. I was absolutely speechless and as much as I wanted to say, Oh F*ck off! I just couldn't bring myself to doing that. I felt that if I did, I would be the petty one, still holding onto to all the anger, hurt, and resentment I was carrying around with me for weeks after our breakup. I calmly let my emotions simmer for a few hours before I carefully drafted a response. I told him that I appreciated the note he sent and that I wouldn't be opposed to catching up sometime but I was really busy at the moment. Then I sent him well wishes and that was it. It wasn't sappy, it wasn't bitchy, it was an informal, straight-to-the-point email that I knew was the correct response. 

I was sweating bullets when I saw that email and at the end of the whole exchange, I wasn't freaking out so much. I was going thru a small emotional turmoil inside, but who wouldn't be after the email that sent me spiraling down the rabbit hole of emotions?!

Don't you just hate it that when your life is going perfectly normal, something like this pops up out of the blue and punches you in the gut? Well it knocked me over and now I'm waiting to get back up again.

Give me a second to catch my breath. !!!