Oye Vey! At least he was upfront!

So with online dating, it is really hard to gauge how many emails one receives in a week. Some weeks are busier than others and some weeks go by without any replies to the emails I send out. Well, I've been pretty busy with work and outside projects recently that I haven't had much time to log onto Match. Without having to log onto my profile, I had an email waiting for me in the inbox of my Gmail account. I hurriedly clicked on it, wondering if maybe this was it. A great guy to go out with...WRONG. His email verbatim: 

I agree

So make a point to connect with me alive. And make your conclusion.

In short I only want to have awesome sex with a stranger who will smile when she thinks back on the memories made

best regards

Um...You agree with what exactly? What is it that brought this man to my profile and agreed to some unwritten question or statement on my profile that stated I wanted awesome sex with a stranger?! If my profile says this "in between the lines" I will 100% go and change it to make it perfectly clear, that is NOT the reason I'm online! I went to his profile to be curious as to what he was all about. It turns out that he is only in the area for a short time visiting family and is basically horny beyond all reasoning and is looking for that "special someone" RIGHTNOW. Hm..Just a thought.. Ya know, Mr. HornyRightNow, maybe...just m-a-y-b-e if you fixed those spelling mistakes and random typos throughout your profile, you might just get a reply back and get lucky.....Oooooooor... You can keep your STDs sooo.. Prob not.

Boredom..Not a Word That Should Be Used to Describe a Date

Bored. Normally I'm not bored during a date but this time I was. I met Boredom at a restaurant in Tyson's Corner and I thought I was going in for a really good date. We had met on Match and we corresponding with alot of emails in the previous days preceding the date. I found out that he lives super far from me and his mom does art for a local art market so I was excited to meet him. I figured we had alot in common on that aspect. He seemed like a decent guy and not a crazy weirdo like the other men I have encountered recently. I got there before him and ordered a drink at the bar while I waited for him to show up. He apparently had parked really far so I had to wait about 10 minutes for him to show up. No biggie. I'm normally late to most of my dates anyway and I know its bad, but I have tried really hard not to be so damn late. Anyway, he shows up and we had this awkward "Nice to meet you moment" and we walked to the hostess stand to grab a table. I went to close out my tab at the bar and followed them into the dining area.

Wowzers!! The restaurant he picked out was way pricey for entrees. It was a seafood place and they only really had one chicken option and two steak options on the menu. I'm not a big chicken fan but the price of the rest of the entrees was pretty high and I didn't want to give off a bad vibe so I ordered a salad. In his profile, he says he really likes salmon. At dinner, he said he didn't want to get salmon because he gets that all the time...however 10 minutes later when we are ordering our meal, he orders the salmon and looks at me and says, "sorry, I just had to get it." I don't care, but as he says this, I'm realizing that he really likes to stay within his norm and not deviate too much outside of it. I say this because the restaurant he chose was one in which he frequents for happy hours. Nothing wrong with that, but I would have hoped for a little more variety from him. Oh well.

So we divulge in conversation and I feel like I am doing most of the talking. I try to ask him questions about his life and what he does to have fun. I find out that he puts together model airplanes with his slightly younger brother...ok..pause. His younger brother is 25... I ask him if he goes out alot and he proceeds to tell me that he did all of the drinking and partying in his younger years and that he is done with all of that. He is only 33. Odd. OK. I asked him where he went to college and he tells me that he didn't go and wasn't something he was interested in. He says he makes good money now so there's no point in going now. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I like people to be somewhat ambitious in life. I dunno. Maybe I'm just asking for too much, but I don't think so.

Anyway, I continue asking him about his life and he really runs out of things to say. He concludes with "My life is pretty boring and I find yours very interesting so tell me more about you." Um.... not really what I want to hear, especially on our first date. I don't know what else to say at this point because I feel like I have talked his ear off and my throat is dry trying to keep the conversation going. We get to the point where I really have nothing else to say and we just sit there quietly. Pretty much an awkward silence...To save the date from going downhill, I suggest we go. We pay the bill and he tells me that he will walk me to my car. We get outside and he stops before the parking garage and asks me where I parked. I point in the direction of my car and he says, "Ok, it was really nice to meet you." Then he goes in for a hug and I'm a little shocked. I say goodbye and walk to my car by myself. It was an awkward moment but I'm glad he didn't walk me to my car because I make a split second decision and go back into the mall for a little Christmas shopping. The date might have been boring but that doesn't mean I have to go home with nothing to show for it!

Guitar Hero...Rock my what?

Phew! I thought I wasn't going to get a decent reply from these guys online anytime soon! Although, Guitar Hero was not what I would typically call the "online man." I say this because instead of the "hi, how r ya?" email.. I get "Hi, *insert funny line here*. I am not really one for this email thing, so let's meet up for appetizers and drinks?" It took me a day or so to get back to him for various reasons. A - I've been busy with work and more work. B - It's a very straightforward approach but at least he didn't ask for massages and to spend the night when we meet. C - I'm not one for facial hair and he pretty much had a full-on beard in all his pictures. Not a big fan but either way, I decided to email him back and agree. You really can't be picky about facial hair like that. I mean you can't be THAT shallow all the time now can you?

The response I got wasn't really what I thought he would say. Instead of the "sure, let's meet up Tuesday at 6 after work." I got "I have plans for guys night out to watch football on Sunday. You should come with a friend so we could all hang out." Uhh...what? Again, I didn't really know what to say to this. I mean, do I show up with said friend and meet his friend and almost have a blind double date? Soo awkward. The first time you meet someone has to be better than, "Hey Joe, this is uh...Jen? and her friend....uh...Lucy. We just met right now." Nooooo! Who does that? I politely declined his offer a few days later and agreed to meet late after work the following week.

It turned out to be a pretty casual meeting. I seriously didn't recognize him when I saw him. First off, he doesn't look like his pictures. Second, the beard was missing! So if you don't look like yourself in your pictures to begin with and you don't have the beard either, how the hell am I supposed to find you?! We both had a great time with alot of talking and laughing. I'm a big talker. Like HUGE talker. I never know when to shut up at times but its hard to keep it going with a stranger for hours. I had a little bit of help keeping the conversation up. Guitar Hero knew the bartender and he kept coming over to talk to us. I was eying the bartender. He was sizzling. Like WAY sizzling. Think young Brad Pitt (Thelma and Louse style). Delish! I found out this particular bartender is afraid of commitment and has a 2 year girlfriend. He mentioned how she has been asking to move-in together but he really can't commit to it whatsoever. Poor gal. He said it would probably happen at least a year from now and then he started laughing, "She probably would have broken up with me by then if I do that!" Sad. If she wants to leave him earlier, I can take him off her hands! ;)

Sorry, back to Guitar Hero. I got distracted but it was hard not to. It was Thelma and Louse style! Tell me you know about Thelma and Louse style! Google it! I promise you won't be disappointed. After about 3 hours of non-stop talking I was slowly winding down and wanted sleep. He quickly noticed that I was failing fast and he gave me an out. He asked if we could see each other again and I agreed. It was a pretty normal date compared to the others that I've been on so why the hell not? He then apologized in advance for his lack of calling and texting because he is normally pretty busy with work. Guitar Hero wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't blowing me off if I didn't get an immediate response from him. Sure sure. No worries mister.

We got up from our bar stools and he helped me get into my jacket. It was a pretty funny sight since I was trying desperately to get my arm thru the one side but was failing miserable. It took me about 5 minutes to get my stupid coat on and I felt like an idiot. It was almost like watching a dog chase his tail over and over and over again... Oh well, it was pretty funny if you were watching us. He opened doors for me as we left the bar and walked me to my car. It was sweet and cute. What was not sweet and cute was our good bye. Again totally not what I expected. More awkward than anything. I opened my door to the car and he jumped on me to give me a big bear hug and a huge smack on the cheek with his lips. "Thanks for meeting me tonight," he said and with that, he bounced right back to the bar. He startled me and left me with a big fat question mark floating around on the top of my head.. you know, like the ones in the cartoons.

During those 3 hours, I found out some interesting details about Guitar Hero's life. Little tidbits: has played guitar for a good 20 years of his life, went to college for years (over 4) but didn't finish (interesting detail here since he didn't get that magical piece of paper after 4+ years), was in a frat in college, now a manager of a major electronics store, going to get his BA or BS soon (round deux), goes to the same bar all the time (the bar he asked to meet at was the same one he wanted to meet on Sunday and same one he went to for Halloween), lives next door to lesbians (which he really really really enjoys), and has grown up in this area (knows how boring it is to live here which is a plus!). At least its much better than Snip-Snip...Now that was just too much information for one sober night. Guitar Hero, I can handle.

A short list of stories

So I've already met 4 since I logged on to both OkCupid and Match. Kisser, Young one, Daddy's boy, and Babies. I thought Kisser was cute, but when we met..his pictures did not match him! I agreed to meet up with him at a bar for drinks..little did I know that he was working that night. He was a bouncer at a bar and told me to show up on a Friday night. I did and just sat there sipping on one cocktail while he watched the door. BORING! When I was trying to make my escape, he invited me to breakfast at 1am when he was getting off. I tried to back down, but I was a bit hungry and he agreed to go to a diner close to where I live...I couldn't come up with a great excuse, so I agreed. He was nice, just not for me. After breakfast, he walked me to my car and tried to kiss me.. 3 TIMES! I get it. I may have sent him mixed messages by going to breakfast with him. Ok. Fine. Try once, not 3 times! Needless to say, I left him probably angry, but I was just not interested.

Young one - Oh he was super cute and 24. Yea not that much younger, but to me, it seemed alot younger. We met at the Cheesecake Factory. Yum. He ordered calamari, which I tried and did not find appealing. He talked about his drunken adventures with his friends, and then some more drunken adventures, and then some more. Needless to say, this was the most G-rated date ever! I passed on cheesecake because I just wanted to get out of there and it seemed like he was more interested in telling me stories than he was interested in me. Oh well.

Daddy's Boy - He seemed real nice and when he messaged me, I immediately gave him my number. I'm not sure why. I just felt sassy on a great Sunday morning. We texted all day and he invited me to meet his friends at a bar to watch the Redskins game. I wanted to go, but not on our first meeting. Too weird! I politely declined and then he called me later on in the day. We talked about random things for 3 hours! Yup. 3 hours! We agreed to officially meet in 2 days. We talked again the next day over the phone again. Another long conversation. I found out that he was sporting a black eye. Yup. A shiner. He said that he had gotten into a fight with some dude and that same dude sent his own girlfriend to the hospital the next day. Now Daddy's Boy has to go to court to testify. Um What?! Well I already had agreed to meet him so I still went. The meeting went fine. We sat at the bar, which was kinda odd, but he did ask if I wanted a table. He was dressed very casual and I was not. I was wearing a summer dress and he was in ripped up jeans and a tee. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but on a first date? So needless to say, I decided it was best we stay at the bar instead of a fancy shmancy table. We had a great conversation over dinner. We laughed and talked for a few hours and then he had to leave the bar for family reasons. He didn't walk me to my car, but that was ok with me. Then a few days later, we txted each other again. He was really great but a little rough around the edges. I thought we could definitely hang out again. Then he asked me to come over because he was horny from drinking...Um. Pass.

Babies - Oh he was cute! and had 2 kids! We had a lovely time at dinner where I was told that he lives over an hour away from me and has 2 kids. I knew he lived far, but I had no idea about the kids. TOTALLY SPRUNG ON ME AT DINNER.. Who does that? The pictures I saw on his profile were with both of his kids, but I thought they were his sister or brother or even his cousins.. I mean they did look alike. Crap. I thought he was a great guy and I would totally be into him if he didn't have the kids. I like kids. I do. I'm just not ready to date someone with 2 of them. Especially because they are older, aged 5 and 7 and old enough to know their daddy dates. Too weird for me. I like you, yes. Thanks for dinner, but I cannot commit to you because I'm really not ready for that. Thanks for driving to meet me!

So there you have it. My 4 stories so far. All different and interesting. So far, so good. Right?