So..that's IT?!!?

So with the last post, the ex came back in my life very briefly and for a split second I lost my mind. No, not in the gimme-a-straight-jacket kind, but in the yea-maybe-he-has-changed kind...  Alas no. In the weeks following that ill-fated email lots of things happened. We met up because I still had something important of his. It was awkward at first because he looked so damn good.. It didn't help that the weeks leading up to our meeting, he was texting me that he wanted a little bit of alone time with me. I, of course, just played along to his little game, never letting him know that I didn't feel the same way. That changed when I saw him that night. We didn't get a chance to really do anything but talk for about 10 minutes because my roommate came home soon after and he quickly left. Bummer!

A few weeks later, I was still receiving txts from him about how we should get together and ya know.. I always played it off and then one afternoon, I said the hell with it! If this was going to happen, it was going to happen today!! I was still attracted to him when he came over and I'm not the first to get it on with an ex so why the hell not.. I'll tell you WHY THE HELL NOT! Don't do it. It was awful. Not awful in the sense that I went home crying with my make-up smeared and begged him to come back to me. It was awful in the way where you wonder - does he even know what he's doing?

Yes, my dear friends, it was bad. Way bad. Imagine a pig going at it with all his might and not really accomplishing much. And I didn't feel a thing. Nope. Well, a little thing. I felt completely and utterly free. Gone was the desire to get back together him. Gone was the desire to ever call him again. Gone was the desire, even to remain friends with him and tell him everything about my life. It was closure. It was my closure. Everyone needs closure and this was mine. To wrap up and put away on my shelf and never look at again. I'm lucky to have that and lucky that I didn't fall into the rabbit hole and get lost all over again.

Running in circles.. where does it lead? Back to square one.

So after hours and days and weeks and months of NOT attempting to have any sort of communication at all with the ex, he drops in on my lap. How? Well via email of course! Oh gmail - I did not like opening up my daily mail and seeing a unread message waiting for me like an animal stalking it's prey.. I wanted to hit the delete button so bad and pretend I didn't see it and make it go away...sigh, but I couldn't. Curiosity totally got the best of me... but it took me one whole day to get the courage to open up the email. Pathetic? Probably.

It went something like this:

"I have been thinking things in general over a lot lately and I think I am done being angry or childish or petty or... you can pick the adjective, I am sure you have more you would like to add to my list. If you would like to be friends again then I am open to that if not I accept that too."

?@#%^*#$!!! .....

I didn't know what to say. I was absolutely speechless and as much as I wanted to say, Oh F*ck off! I just couldn't bring myself to doing that. I felt that if I did, I would be the petty one, still holding onto to all the anger, hurt, and resentment I was carrying around with me for weeks after our breakup. I calmly let my emotions simmer for a few hours before I carefully drafted a response. I told him that I appreciated the note he sent and that I wouldn't be opposed to catching up sometime but I was really busy at the moment. Then I sent him well wishes and that was it. It wasn't sappy, it wasn't bitchy, it was an informal, straight-to-the-point email that I knew was the correct response. 

I was sweating bullets when I saw that email and at the end of the whole exchange, I wasn't freaking out so much. I was going thru a small emotional turmoil inside, but who wouldn't be after the email that sent me spiraling down the rabbit hole of emotions?!

Don't you just hate it that when your life is going perfectly normal, something like this pops up out of the blue and punches you in the gut? Well it knocked me over and now I'm waiting to get back up again.

Give me a second to catch my breath. !!!